How I Am Doing So Far

Here is a letter I wrote to a friend this morning:

My initial impressions of school are that it's going to be hard in a

good way, really challenging and rigorous, and definitely what I

needed in order to build my confidence in this field. So I'm glad I'm

doing it for sure. I can't help comparing it to what might have been

at the NY school, which would have been more personalized and

reassuring about finding a job.

I am 1 of 2-3 native English speakers in each of my classes of 14,

which was really surprising to me. When a teacher began his class by

asking how many inches there are in a foot I thought he was kidding.

I'm learning a lot about Taiwan and Saudi Arabia (Saudi women have a

particular charm that I enjoy very much). But I'm not finding the kind

of immediate connection I had hoped to have with at least a few of my

classmates, so it feels lonely. Much like Smith did (being older than

everyone else).

The cultural, age, & language differences will get in the way, but

probably have unexpected gifts too - last week a Saudi classmate found

me in the BART and pleaded with me to get her on the right train. We

ended up riding together for about 20 minutes in which she revealed

that she moved her husband, 4 year old, and 7 month old to Vallejo (an

hour and a half from the city) and is going full-time. She has no room

for a desk in her apartment. I told her I thought she was very brave

and she said, "Oh. I, um, I cry. All the day." So I think of her

whenever I feel bewildered or overwhelmed.

The program believes in starting with basic hand sketching and

lettering skills, something I appreciate very much. When I do my

drafting with my angles and parallel bar I imagine that my grandfather

is very happy, and I'm psyched to be able to write like an architect.

The program is called Interior Architecture and Design, the

Architecture part being the thing I wasn't looking for in particular

but that I am happy to be learning. It can only make me more of an

asset in the field. It's funny to have a plastic template of bathroom

fixtures and to talk about them in all seriousness.

I'm still adjusting to how long it takes to get anywhere. My classes

are 11 miles from my house but it takes me no less than an hour and 15

minutes to get to them, sometimes more. I know that this is something

that city dwellers are used to, and that I will too, but right now I'm

just flabbergasted. I am trying to think of it as an awesome

opportunity to read more and to listen to design podcasts (which I

want to do more of).

As for being in a new place, it's been really up and down, exhausting

and depressing, beautiful and expanding. It feels like in the Valley

the spectrum between sadness and joy, boredom and jubilation is

shorter; here it is much wider, so the potential for joy and

jubilation (and sadness and boredom) is greater, but you spend a lot

of time in the middle. That would all make more sense if I could draw

it out for you :)

In the first month I went from working, being a full-time mom, living

amongst a deep and meaningful community, and living in my natural

habitat to literally nothing: an empty apartment and no school, no

work, no son. I was bored and lonely but didn't have the energy to

connect to potential friends here, and strangely felt some resistance

to being in touch with old friends back home. I cried a lot. I missed

Atticus and Enzo. M worked all the time (our moved coincided with a

major launch of a new version of their software). We had no money

(still don't) so working on the apartment was just hard and stressful

- I felt guilty buying plates at Goodwill. I tried to notice what I

loved about being in CA. The list was short.

Now, with school in session, I feel purposeful, like a train on a

track. I feel anxious one moment, like I need to prove myself to be

the best designer there ever was right away, and the next I will let

myself be at the very beginning, able to own the fact that I know

nothing right now and that that's okay.

M's company launched their major revamp of the software this week, so

I hope to see him more. We're doing fine/good, as good as you can be

without seeing each other very much. I am so grateful to have a

partner who is capable of supporting me in the many ways that he is.

I miss Zane in a deep, fundamental way and should find a therapist

probably. His being an adult in the wide world makes me feel

intimately connected to every human being I pass on the street. They

each have a mother who released them into the wide world, and I could

be her. This makes the poverty and violence so prevalent in Oakland

hard to stomach. I gave a young woman and her child some money the

other day and cried the whole way home. My heart feels tender and

susceptible to bruising, and there is so much injury here.

You know, I am learning so much right now, on every level and at every

turn, from how to dress for the weather to where the cheapest rice is

to how the fucking BART works to what a picture plane is to how not

having Zane in the house affects my eating habits. The list is a

million items long. I'm tired. I'm excited. I'm glad I'm not 22. I am

deeply grateful to have this opportunity.

Good to climb, hard to climb.

Comments

[Anja]

Gorgeous. I miss you so. I'm so proud of you.

[Trace]

Thanks for sharing. What a beautiful story. The irony of uncertainty and vulnerability is that it takes such courage to talk about them. You are courageous. Best of luck in all your endeavors!

[dad aka pop]

are you sure writting isn't your future? you have been nothing but strong and amazing so far and i see no reason to change now.and no matter what you know we are here for you. we love you and m

[Melissa]

So well written. I'm glad I waited for a moment to read it when I could really relax an focus on what I was reading. I feel good to have a better glimpse at how you've been doing.

[kendra]

beautiful sharing of yourself! thank you. I hope it gets easier and easier. xokendra