My Son Is 18 Today
This might just be the biggest victory of my life. This birthday feels uber-super-crazy significant, and not just in the usual cultural ways: He can do a ton of stuff he couldn't do yesterday! The Army is sending things to our house! He's technically a man now! No, this feels primal and necessary and peaceful and fleeting and momentous and I want to take a brief moment to think about it.
When I was 15 my friend Zane died. When I was 18 my first love Martin died. When I was 19 my good friend Ozzy died (he had been in the hospital when my Zane was born). By the time I was 24 I had gone to 5 funerals for people under the age of 22. I've spent a lot of time as an adult feeling the impact of these losses, and thinking about the impact of these losses, and I couldn't overstate them if I tried. Quite simply, I know about death. I know it's very close and I know it could happen any time, to anyone. I know you can't negotiate with it. I know it's final.
Zane's been an awesome kid to raise. He's kind and compassionate first and foremost. He's present, emotional, smart, people love him, and he still loves me - he tells me so every day. We've had our moments, even years, but all in all, I lucked out and I know it. As his 18th birthday has been getting closer it's been dawning on me that I think I've been holding my breath, hoping he lives to see 18, not being sure that he would.
Last night he called home at 10:45pm to say he'd be home by 1am, and he'd officially be 18 then. I said, "Okay, but I really do need you to come home. I need you to be alive tomorrow." He laughed and assured me he would be.
When I got up this morning I opened his bedroom door and there he was, all six feet three inches of him, spread out horizontally on a double bed that doesn't fit him even if he's sleeping in it the right way, and his chest was rising. And his body moved. And I can breathe a little deeper today.
Monday, April 23, 2012 at 7:54AM
Reader Comments (6)
What an emotional and beautiful post. You are one amazing mother. You are such an inspiration. And Zane is an amazing kid (man?). Happy day to you!
Luck has only the tiniest bit to do with it, congrats on raising a pretty awesome human being.
Happy Birth Day to you, Sarah! You have raised a wonderful son and although
your work isn't totally done, you now can sit back knowing you've taught him what
he needs to thrive in this crazy world. Good job, Mom!!
:-)
Hooray! Hooray, hooray, hooray!
you know we are so very proud of you both. we look forward to following this story for a long time. see you soon.love you guys